smells
freshly ironed clothes
baked stuff
new books
new paint
vanilla
cinnamon
honeysuckle
Saturday, February 27, 2010
Friday, July 18, 2008
ode to an unfaithful 'friend'
seems like an odd name for a blog, huh....well, the idea is to immortalise..not the person, but the deed...............not for anything but simply to serve as a reminder to ur own self to what depths of treachery can a 'friend' fall...
'friend' and 'friendship' are sacred words..specially for fools of our age.poor us.... poor, silly, stupid, naive, us...we think just because we have 1 'friend' beside us, we can make enemies out of the whole world..and the most amazing part??....the very ones u swore to be ur 'enemies', them coming to ur help when u r left all alone and lonely, while ur 'friend' flits away, selecting the next prey!!
and even if u knew who the poor guy was, u have to keep mum because of the risk of 'poisoning' minds...wow.......
i mean really.......here u all r in d same place & ur 'friend' finds another guy absolutely intolerable..to such an extent that d 'friend' stops all contacts with him and abuses him to all who would care to listen (well, the select few, never to the guy's loyalists, mind u).......now when ur 'friend' is where the guy's now.....and now that d 'friend' speaks to him, even meets him...u wonder, has d 'friend' turned over a new leaf?? and then it strikes u...............NO silly, d friend' has gone to an unknown city and needs all the help and contacts to settle in..and what do u do??well.....u can only be a mute spectator, refusing to discuss all these with even the people involved....and why not, can u really change anything by speaking out??
u all r busy with the projects which carries lot of weightage for ur finals...d 'friend' keeps texting u everyday to help her, to go here and there,to provide the contacts needed, to share all the sundry details.......and u do, all of the above ofcourse, along with providing a topic for the most important project.......so, what happens to u??........
when u need d 'friend' 's help, ur snubbed, rejected, not spoken to....and all the promises of help, don't u know by now......dey r all hollow & empty.
can u really explain all that u felt to anyone......no u can't... can u really change anything by yelling and screaming to others?? (but yes, u do those too)
u get to know from a virtual stranger that d 'friend' has not only bad mouthed u, but also ur partner and has cast doubts over ur relationship, well..............ur still trying to come to terms with it...
ur dis beloved, trusted, much relied upon 'friend' of a year and half believes a stranger just met on orkut over u....that too when u haven't actually discussed d 'friend' in question, but something entirely different.......ur not only abused, but maligned, labelled a 'bitch" and "cheap"........u can only try to laugh it away, but u can't coz u have been dissolved into tears which simply won't stop...
and all the time that ur trying to be brave and keeping ur hurt and cries a secret, ur breaking inside, aware that something has changed and u'll never be the same again.......u keep telling urself that things will b ok...but ur praying them to, coz u can't believe anything anymore...
ur mind (and heart) keeps bringing the memories alive.....and all u can do is try to look for a sign that u missed......and guess what.........clues gallore.
..all that u had ignored, forgotten or thought to be unimportant comes to haunt u now, but u...u only have urself to be pissed off at.
what u'd really like to d is to hate thi 'friend' of urs, but u can't....coz u love d 'friend' too much....still.
and even though u know d 'friend' to be undeserving and unworthy, u can't really do much but make a list of what not to do with the people u meet in future.....but as for now, u keep seeking respite saying:
"Does it hurt to know I'll never be there
Bet it sucks, to see my face everywhere
It was you, who chose to end it like you did
I was the last to know
You knew exactly what you were doing
And don't say, you simply lost your way
They may believe you but
I never will
I never will
I never will
Never again"
it's not that the end of 'friendship' that really gets u, friends do drift away, misinterpretations do happen......but what bewilder u are the deliberation and the determination with which ur heart was tossed out and trodden on.... so violently that ur still shaking inside.
the only reason that u'd like to remember or 'immortalise' as earlier put, is coz ur so tired of being the one to be always blamed and always left out, that u want to imprint this on ur memory so that something like this never, ever happens to u again...
the only reason that u'd like to remember or 'immortalise' as earlier put, is coz ur so tired of being the one to be always blamed and always left out, that u want to imprint this on ur memory so that something like this never, ever happens to u again...
and even while ur writing this, trying to vent out, a word keeps echoing inside u, like it has been doing for days...............
''WHY....OH, WHY???"
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
self victimised...
Isn't it really easy blaming someone else for all our problems, misfortune...for all d baggage we carry with us......u blame ur parents, ur friends, ur partner, teachers, bosses....& d eternal favourite.......... "GOD", I mean seriously how can u possibly live a happy life if d whole universe is conspiring to make u unhappy & a failure....what can u really do but go living ur miserable life in a home ur not comfortable with, in a locality u despise, admist neighbours whom u shun, hating ur work, a little less than u hate ur boss, putting up with equally disillusioned friends and thus, getting more frustrated with them.....and in the end taking all out ur family, who have had an equally trying day....but then again, u never have the time to listen to them. i mean really why can't everyone listen to u??why can't they just drop all that they are doing simply to cater to ur wants,which u put as ur needs????? why the hell cannot these people/this person realize that u have the right(though ur not sure what gave u that right, in the 1st place) to demand absolute obedience, servility and security........all the while u sit comfortably within the castle u have put up 4urself.....oh, sorry, did i say 'comfortably'..m so sorry, how insensitive of me even thinking that u r comfortable....coz ofcourse ur not....ur so hurt.why r u hurt??because other people hurt u.
Ofcourse, it's normal and even good in a while (it convinces other people that u have a heart) to get hurt and cry and be gloomy and etc, but people (and that includes me as well) have a great capability to keep on and on and on and on about all the things they want but cannot get, all the people they want but cannot, get all the happiness they want but cannot.....but tell me honestly, all the pretty clothes and exquisite shoes ur after, will they keep u warm on a cold stormy night?? the man/girl u love...and who can't be even bothered about ur existence....is she/he really worth all the pain, humiliation,tears?? and the thing u tag as 'HAPPINESS'....what is that....can u precisely describe it to me??u can't...coz the things which u think make u happy, hardly ever do..ur left in the dumps as before, but this time a li'l more lost, coz u can't really figure out, why aren't u happy??? i mean look around u, everyone is completely over the moon...but u.....forget the moon, u can't even raise urself to shrub level........
In the Cogni written test i was given an essay on what i'd change if i was the PM for a day...&abstract me...i wrote that i'd change people...urge them, make them realise their own follies, so that they can accept that it was they who screwed up, its them themselves who are responsible for their own misery and not the world. even while putting that into paper i realised that i have made some progress for myself, coz i have finally been able to point out why i was so irritated and disgusted with myself and the others.....and to me that was a milestone in terms of actually starting to solve the puzzle. i don't know what the interviewrs thought of it, but its something we won't say no to, atleast publicly...coz well it's something we all nod our heads to...self empowerment, taking fate in our hands, and acting God in our live, yada, yada...
and after being done with the nodding and assenting, we go back to our blame game, coz lets face it its infinitely safer and smug-er to blame others rather than pointing to urself and admitting that I screwed up, coz if u do that u'll have to live without any defences or facades, and really what will u do if u lost ur mask, even if its only urself that ur fooling....atleast someone buys ur crap.
and this leads me to another thing.........validaton.WHY??? why do we need ourselves to be validated by people whom we know to be incapable of understanding (yes, we do know that, once we put the pieces together).we enter into all sorts of relationships, with all sorts of people trying to find those who understand, empathise, and know what it feels like to be us. the old man was bang on when he said that human beings are social animals, coz we just cannot live without a witness to our lives, someone who'll say, "yes, i have seen ur struggle to go on living, i know ur faults and have seen ur mistakes...but i love u still", someone who'll validate on our behalf our reason for living....coz we r never living for ourselves.
And as much as i hate to admit it, even i live my life through others. it matters what people say to me or about me...but i wouldn't i just love to flaunt my "i don't give a damn' attitude. but i don't know if it fools anyone, but it doesn't fool me............................THANKGOD!!!!
(This exclamation coz all the experts for any malaise will tell u the 1st step is to admitting and u can build up from there.)
I don't believe anymore that everyone is born good. i have seen some people who really appeared pretty fucked up to me(after all said and done)...and what's worse is that they try to make others fuck up and fuck up others....
I wish i could say why some people do certain things, i wish i could know when people r gonna change, i wish i cud be a li'l less heartbroken about the things some did, i wish, i wish , i wish.....
But what i do know for a fact is that there r gonna be people who'll never be sorry, even if they have cut u up to pieces.
They'll never stop defending themselves even if the excuses they give make no sense at all.
They will never stop lying, cheating coz frankly that's all they know how to do well.
They will never stop backstabbing, no matter whom they are doing that to.
They'll never be loyal coz they don't know how to be.
They'll always be using people, u included, and u won't be able to do a thing coz u have pledged urself to this person, even if it makes u sick.
They'll leave u after they are done with u.....................and u'll be left wondering "why''!!!
So u see, i've stopped believing people r good...to be more frank, i have stopped believing people at all....coz no matter how much they try to justify that they "have learnt to bulid a castle around themselves with the bricks that are thrown on them"...........u know its all shit, coz peole have choices, they are not as helpless as they'll have others and themselves believe.u always have a choice. and since people themselves call the shots in their lives, i just cant say that they are 'good' people......they r just pitiable.
U see, i take all the blame for everything that has happened to me........coz i have let them happen. it's coz i have given people the power to hurt me, the ability to malign me, have let the enter my life and rob me of security and confidence. it's their problem that they are the way they are....but it's my problem that i allowed thses filthy, stinking fools to foul up my life.
I recently came across a quote that said: friends are not the people u actually chose to be in ur life, they are just the ones who got there 1st (its not widin quotes coz i have got the meaning, but not the words)....i absolutely agree coz they are some peole who were just that.
Because i was what i was, i forgot that peole have to deserve u and all the precious things u can give them, and not the other way around. u can't simply demand a relationship, u gotta earn it.i forgot that,& i still do, at times. i wish i can really agree when people say that," don't u worry, it's their loss.they r missing out on u". but i don't really care for their loss....m worried about mine...m worried about the loss of control over my life, the loss of judgement, the loss of distance, the loss of 'special'ity.
u can't really know other people, u can't be really sure of what they want from u, u can't always trust them to handle u gently (coz we all r fragile, every one of us...we just pretend to be strong enough).....but some people are worth it. and some are not. i guess our job becomes to seive out the worthless from the worthy. m still figuring out how to foolproof-ly do it. but i guess it's to really important to be on alert. a relatonship isn't built in a day, not even a year.....its really important to know what m doing, so that i don't do things m gonna regret.
Keep me eyes, ears open and my sceptic mind working....what they do to other people won't be done to u.....this is no guarantee just because u think so..........people work in mysterious ways!!
And most importanly m gonna wait and watch.....before i pledge my allegiance, heart and soul to someone, in other words, m gonna take my own sweet time..........
We r victims our own expectations.victims of our lack of belief in ourselves.......& u can't stay a victim too long, atleast i can't. =) =)
Ofcourse, it's normal and even good in a while (it convinces other people that u have a heart) to get hurt and cry and be gloomy and etc, but people (and that includes me as well) have a great capability to keep on and on and on and on about all the things they want but cannot get, all the people they want but cannot, get all the happiness they want but cannot.....but tell me honestly, all the pretty clothes and exquisite shoes ur after, will they keep u warm on a cold stormy night?? the man/girl u love...and who can't be even bothered about ur existence....is she/he really worth all the pain, humiliation,tears?? and the thing u tag as 'HAPPINESS'....what is that....can u precisely describe it to me??u can't...coz the things which u think make u happy, hardly ever do..ur left in the dumps as before, but this time a li'l more lost, coz u can't really figure out, why aren't u happy??? i mean look around u, everyone is completely over the moon...but u.....forget the moon, u can't even raise urself to shrub level........
In the Cogni written test i was given an essay on what i'd change if i was the PM for a day...&abstract me...i wrote that i'd change people...urge them, make them realise their own follies, so that they can accept that it was they who screwed up, its them themselves who are responsible for their own misery and not the world. even while putting that into paper i realised that i have made some progress for myself, coz i have finally been able to point out why i was so irritated and disgusted with myself and the others.....and to me that was a milestone in terms of actually starting to solve the puzzle. i don't know what the interviewrs thought of it, but its something we won't say no to, atleast publicly...coz well it's something we all nod our heads to...self empowerment, taking fate in our hands, and acting God in our live, yada, yada...
and after being done with the nodding and assenting, we go back to our blame game, coz lets face it its infinitely safer and smug-er to blame others rather than pointing to urself and admitting that I screwed up, coz if u do that u'll have to live without any defences or facades, and really what will u do if u lost ur mask, even if its only urself that ur fooling....atleast someone buys ur crap.
and this leads me to another thing.........validaton.WHY??? why do we need ourselves to be validated by people whom we know to be incapable of understanding (yes, we do know that, once we put the pieces together).we enter into all sorts of relationships, with all sorts of people trying to find those who understand, empathise, and know what it feels like to be us. the old man was bang on when he said that human beings are social animals, coz we just cannot live without a witness to our lives, someone who'll say, "yes, i have seen ur struggle to go on living, i know ur faults and have seen ur mistakes...but i love u still", someone who'll validate on our behalf our reason for living....coz we r never living for ourselves.
And as much as i hate to admit it, even i live my life through others. it matters what people say to me or about me...but i wouldn't i just love to flaunt my "i don't give a damn' attitude. but i don't know if it fools anyone, but it doesn't fool me............................THANKGOD!!!!
(This exclamation coz all the experts for any malaise will tell u the 1st step is to admitting and u can build up from there.)
I don't believe anymore that everyone is born good. i have seen some people who really appeared pretty fucked up to me(after all said and done)...and what's worse is that they try to make others fuck up and fuck up others....
I wish i could say why some people do certain things, i wish i could know when people r gonna change, i wish i cud be a li'l less heartbroken about the things some did, i wish, i wish , i wish.....
But what i do know for a fact is that there r gonna be people who'll never be sorry, even if they have cut u up to pieces.
They'll never stop defending themselves even if the excuses they give make no sense at all.
They will never stop lying, cheating coz frankly that's all they know how to do well.
They will never stop backstabbing, no matter whom they are doing that to.
They'll never be loyal coz they don't know how to be.
They'll always be using people, u included, and u won't be able to do a thing coz u have pledged urself to this person, even if it makes u sick.
They'll leave u after they are done with u.....................and u'll be left wondering "why''!!!
So u see, i've stopped believing people r good...to be more frank, i have stopped believing people at all....coz no matter how much they try to justify that they "have learnt to bulid a castle around themselves with the bricks that are thrown on them"...........u know its all shit, coz peole have choices, they are not as helpless as they'll have others and themselves believe.u always have a choice. and since people themselves call the shots in their lives, i just cant say that they are 'good' people......they r just pitiable.
U see, i take all the blame for everything that has happened to me........coz i have let them happen. it's coz i have given people the power to hurt me, the ability to malign me, have let the enter my life and rob me of security and confidence. it's their problem that they are the way they are....but it's my problem that i allowed thses filthy, stinking fools to foul up my life.
I recently came across a quote that said: friends are not the people u actually chose to be in ur life, they are just the ones who got there 1st (its not widin quotes coz i have got the meaning, but not the words)....i absolutely agree coz they are some peole who were just that.
Because i was what i was, i forgot that peole have to deserve u and all the precious things u can give them, and not the other way around. u can't simply demand a relationship, u gotta earn it.i forgot that,& i still do, at times. i wish i can really agree when people say that," don't u worry, it's their loss.they r missing out on u". but i don't really care for their loss....m worried about mine...m worried about the loss of control over my life, the loss of judgement, the loss of distance, the loss of 'special'ity.
u can't really know other people, u can't be really sure of what they want from u, u can't always trust them to handle u gently (coz we all r fragile, every one of us...we just pretend to be strong enough).....but some people are worth it. and some are not. i guess our job becomes to seive out the worthless from the worthy. m still figuring out how to foolproof-ly do it. but i guess it's to really important to be on alert. a relatonship isn't built in a day, not even a year.....its really important to know what m doing, so that i don't do things m gonna regret.
Keep me eyes, ears open and my sceptic mind working....what they do to other people won't be done to u.....this is no guarantee just because u think so..........people work in mysterious ways!!
And most importanly m gonna wait and watch.....before i pledge my allegiance, heart and soul to someone, in other words, m gonna take my own sweet time..........
We r victims our own expectations.victims of our lack of belief in ourselves.......& u can't stay a victim too long, atleast i can't. =) =)
Friday, June 20, 2008
WeIGHing UP
yeshh...d big fat (pun intended) obsession of every girl's life........... WEIGHT...i recently read a short story by a British author about a middle aged lady who used to be exceptionally beautiful at one point of a time, but whose fine features were getting blurred as she recklessly gained weight...reckless coz no amount of plump arms, double,even triple chins and thick ankles would motivate her to lose weight...and her defense was that her husband of 23 years didnt mind...but ofcourse, if he did she would promptly lose weight...as it turned out the husband didn't mind coz he had a young, slim mistress tucked away, along with their love child...so not only did he not mind his legal wife's weight gain...he encouraged it by bringing her expensive, foreign chocolates......
so d moral of d story is: if u have to keep ur husband(lover/partner/companion)..u gotta be a slim, pretty young thing(irrespective of ur age)...
My question is WHY?? ..........WHY do the women have to 'maintain' themselves just to keep their husband?WHY is d physical 'beauty' always linked to the desirability quotient of a person?WHY do u have to pay for 'letting urself go' by losing the people around whom u've built ur life?
M not making this a feminist issue as in highlighting only d woman's plight..it is as big an issue 4 a man,maybe more so coz men can't talk about it( boys will be boys) as much as women can...
If i was to honestly ask myself, i would say that no, i would not be attracted to a plump person...but would it be the reason i'd choose to cheat on my partner? NEVER...coz d thing is...and i don't know y so many people find it so hard to get...when u have made a commitment...u stick to it...for better or worse..for richer or poorer...through youth and age...for slimmer or fatter...
the story i mentioned seems as bad and as discriminatory as d fairness lotion ads shown on d telly..u know, where d dark ladies don't get their dream jobs, dream bfs/husband....and den dey use a fairness cream and voila!!....everything of their dreams is handed to them on a platter...
can it ever get more worse dan dis...we r living in d 21st century, for crying out loud.when will we ever learn to accept a person not based on their looks but actually on d kind of person dey are........
and then the most important thing........ WHY wait for someone else to push u over to get motivatedfor a workout, a makeover....or watever......if u think u need it........go for it....if u think ur happy just the way u r....god bless u...we need more people like u.....
M not against exercise or makeup/over....but my point is....rather my question is....is it justified to mark a person as unworthy of love just coz he/she maybe plump/not conventionally goodlooking...... and that brings me to another thing: a lot of fashion stores(and dey r rare,too) r proudly proclaiming dat dey store clothes for 'plus size' women.......well......... 'plus size' ???!!......u gotta be kidding me...do u need to epithetise a woman into plus size?????!wat sort of equality and respect r we talking about here??
well.........m not married....nor m i fair or dark, slim or fair...just hanging there in between...but i dread d day when i'll cross over to the wrong side...and find what........desertation...because of my dress size??
so d moral of d story is: if u have to keep ur husband(lover/partner/companion)..u gotta be a slim, pretty young thing(irrespective of ur age)...
My question is WHY?? ..........WHY do the women have to 'maintain' themselves just to keep their husband?WHY is d physical 'beauty' always linked to the desirability quotient of a person?WHY do u have to pay for 'letting urself go' by losing the people around whom u've built ur life?
M not making this a feminist issue as in highlighting only d woman's plight..it is as big an issue 4 a man,maybe more so coz men can't talk about it( boys will be boys) as much as women can...
If i was to honestly ask myself, i would say that no, i would not be attracted to a plump person...but would it be the reason i'd choose to cheat on my partner? NEVER...coz d thing is...and i don't know y so many people find it so hard to get...when u have made a commitment...u stick to it...for better or worse..for richer or poorer...through youth and age...for slimmer or fatter...
the story i mentioned seems as bad and as discriminatory as d fairness lotion ads shown on d telly..u know, where d dark ladies don't get their dream jobs, dream bfs/husband....and den dey use a fairness cream and voila!!....everything of their dreams is handed to them on a platter...
can it ever get more worse dan dis...we r living in d 21st century, for crying out loud.when will we ever learn to accept a person not based on their looks but actually on d kind of person dey are........
and then the most important thing........ WHY wait for someone else to push u over to get motivatedfor a workout, a makeover....or watever......if u think u need it........go for it....if u think ur happy just the way u r....god bless u...we need more people like u.....
M not against exercise or makeup/over....but my point is....rather my question is....is it justified to mark a person as unworthy of love just coz he/she maybe plump/not conventionally goodlooking...... and that brings me to another thing: a lot of fashion stores(and dey r rare,too) r proudly proclaiming dat dey store clothes for 'plus size' women.......well......... 'plus size' ???!!......u gotta be kidding me...do u need to epithetise a woman into plus size?????!wat sort of equality and respect r we talking about here??
well.........m not married....nor m i fair or dark, slim or fair...just hanging there in between...but i dread d day when i'll cross over to the wrong side...and find what........desertation...because of my dress size??
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
D GiRl u mEt
Well well...as u said copy implemented, y not take faida of dat & put it to good use...
yup, we have recently come together after a span of almost 1 year...and silly me...i thought things would be d same...we can pick up from where we had left off...but what i had actually missed out was that if we had picked up from where we had left out...it would be another of those verbally bloody battles we fought...so u can say m glad dat we had dis long hiatus...coz it took me dis much time to put things into their proper prespective...
hmm....so 'd girl u met' has actually changed a lot...& i hope d 'good' changes r visible...but at d same time has remained d same...
m not going to give u any excuses coz i did watever i did with my eyes open...so if i have 2 blame someone, it can only be me...no 1 else...& at d same time wid my 'regret nothing' policy....i did what i thought was 'natural'....but if only i had d brains enough to listen to my gut feeling....maybe i wouldn't have missed out on d 'pizza,garlic bread, yummy cake& DANCE' treat...
hmmmm....soooooooo much to catch on....& also encashing d 'limited offer' thingie....
anyway...all sorries (solllllllllyyyy, chorrry) & aplogies said & done...i really, truly, absolutely hope dat i can still delight u d way i used to ( though i had no idea at that time)...& it actually is a very pleasant shock dat i had (have??) so much importance for u...coz it never even entered my head dat i could be so valued by u...
.and i had realised i was wrong a long time back...but it took some time to prepare myself for the bashing i thought i wud get....but surprise!surprise!...didn't get!!!!!
i guess i missed out some very important occassions and events d last year...but now m back....& will make up for lost time for sure...btw, m glad, really glad u went to paris....i absolutely adore dat city... :) :)
here's to u...ur city hopping...and also to 'the' common denominator between us....cheers
yup, we have recently come together after a span of almost 1 year...and silly me...i thought things would be d same...we can pick up from where we had left off...but what i had actually missed out was that if we had picked up from where we had left out...it would be another of those verbally bloody battles we fought...so u can say m glad dat we had dis long hiatus...coz it took me dis much time to put things into their proper prespective...
hmm....so 'd girl u met' has actually changed a lot...& i hope d 'good' changes r visible...but at d same time has remained d same...
m not going to give u any excuses coz i did watever i did with my eyes open...so if i have 2 blame someone, it can only be me...no 1 else...& at d same time wid my 'regret nothing' policy....i did what i thought was 'natural'....but if only i had d brains enough to listen to my gut feeling....maybe i wouldn't have missed out on d 'pizza,garlic bread, yummy cake& DANCE' treat...
hmmmm....soooooooo much to catch on....& also encashing d 'limited offer' thingie....
anyway...all sorries (solllllllllyyyy, chorrry) & aplogies said & done...i really, truly, absolutely hope dat i can still delight u d way i used to ( though i had no idea at that time)...& it actually is a very pleasant shock dat i had (have??) so much importance for u...coz it never even entered my head dat i could be so valued by u...
.and i had realised i was wrong a long time back...but it took some time to prepare myself for the bashing i thought i wud get....but surprise!surprise!...didn't get!!!!!
i guess i missed out some very important occassions and events d last year...but now m back....& will make up for lost time for sure...btw, m glad, really glad u went to paris....i absolutely adore dat city... :) :)
here's to u...ur city hopping...and also to 'the' common denominator between us....cheers
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
yippeeee
Yes finally at loooooooooong last m here to blog........was driving madsie crazy to create an url for me...but guess what.......lazy me did it on a fab, rainy afternoon....and now that m here, i dont have a topic...well not entirely. there have been so many things which have been keeping me busy...mentally, atleast....but well....the wounds are too raw to write now....so till i think of something to write.......adios....!!
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