Tuesday, July 15, 2008

self victimised...

Isn't it really easy blaming someone else for all our problems, misfortune...for all d baggage we carry with us......u blame ur parents, ur friends, ur partner, teachers, bosses....& d eternal favourite.......... "GOD", I mean seriously how can u possibly live a happy life if d whole universe is conspiring to make u unhappy & a failure....what can u really do but go living ur miserable life in a home ur not comfortable with, in a locality u despise, admist neighbours whom u shun, hating ur work, a little less than u hate ur boss, putting up with equally disillusioned friends and thus, getting more frustrated with them.....and in the end taking all out ur family, who have had an equally trying day....but then again, u never have the time to listen to them. i mean really why can't everyone listen to u??why can't they just drop all that they are doing simply to cater to ur wants,which u put as ur needs????? why the hell cannot these people/this person realize that u have the right(though ur not sure what gave u that right, in the 1st place) to demand absolute obedience, servility and security........all the while u sit comfortably within the castle u have put up 4urself.....oh, sorry, did i say 'comfortably'..m so sorry, how insensitive of me even thinking that u r comfortable....coz ofcourse ur not....ur so hurt.why r u hurt??because other people hurt u.
Ofcourse, it's normal and even good in a while (it convinces other people that u have a heart) to get hurt and cry and be gloomy and etc, but people (and that includes me as well) have a great capability to keep on and on and on and on about all the things they want but cannot get, all the people they want but cannot, get all the happiness they want but cannot.....but tell me honestly, all the pretty clothes and exquisite shoes ur after, will they keep u warm on a cold stormy night?? the man/girl u love...and who can't be even bothered about ur existence....is she/he really worth all the pain, humiliation,tears?? and the thing u tag as 'HAPPINESS'....what is that....can u precisely describe it to me??u can't...coz the things which u think make u happy, hardly ever do..ur left in the dumps as before, but this time a li'l more lost, coz u can't really figure out, why aren't u happy??? i mean look around u, everyone is completely over the moon...but u.....forget the moon, u can't even raise urself to shrub level........
In the Cogni written test i was given an essay on what i'd change if i was the PM for a day...&abstract me...i wrote that i'd change people...urge them, make them realise their own follies, so that they can accept that it was they who screwed up, its them themselves who are responsible for their own misery and not the world. even while putting that into paper i realised that i have made some progress for myself, coz i have finally been able to point out why i was so irritated and disgusted with myself and the others.....and to me that was a milestone in terms of actually starting to solve the puzzle. i don't know what the interviewrs thought of it, but its something we won't say no to, atleast publicly...coz well it's something we all nod our heads to...self empowerment, taking fate in our hands, and acting God in our live, yada, yada...
and after being done with the nodding and assenting, we go back to our blame game, coz lets face it its infinitely safer and smug-er to blame others rather than pointing to urself and admitting that I screwed up, coz if u do that u'll have to live without any defences or facades, and really what will u do if u lost ur mask, even if its only urself that ur fooling....atleast someone buys ur crap.
and this leads me to another thing.........validaton.WHY??? why do we need ourselves to be validated by people whom we know to be incapable of understanding (yes, we do know that, once we put the pieces together).we enter into all sorts of relationships, with all sorts of people trying to find those who understand, empathise, and know what it feels like to be us. the old man was bang on when he said that human beings are social animals, coz we just cannot live without a witness to our lives, someone who'll say, "yes, i have seen ur struggle to go on living, i know ur faults and have seen ur mistakes...but i love u still", someone who'll validate on our behalf our reason for living....coz we r never living for ourselves.
And as much as i hate to admit it, even i live my life through others. it matters what people say to me or about me...but i wouldn't i just love to flaunt my "i don't give a damn' attitude. but i don't know if it fools anyone, but it doesn't fool me............................THANKGOD!!!!
(This exclamation coz all the experts for any malaise will tell u the 1st step is to admitting and u can build up from there.)
I don't believe anymore that everyone is born good. i have seen some people who really appeared pretty fucked up to me(after all said and done)...and what's worse is that they try to make others fuck up and fuck up others....
I wish i could say why some people do certain things, i wish i could know when people r gonna change, i wish i cud be a li'l less heartbroken about the things some did, i wish, i wish , i wish.....
But what i do know for a fact is that there r gonna be people who'll never be sorry, even if they have cut u up to pieces.
They'll never stop defending themselves even if the excuses they give make no sense at all.
They will never stop lying, cheating coz frankly that's all they know how to do well.
They will never stop backstabbing, no matter whom they are doing that to.
They'll never be loyal coz they don't know how to be.
They'll always be using people, u included, and u won't be able to do a thing coz u have pledged urself to this person, even if it makes u sick.
They'll leave u after they are done with u.....................and u'll be left wondering "why''!!!
So u see, i've stopped believing people r good...to be more frank, i have stopped believing people at all....coz no matter how much they try to justify that they "have learnt to bulid a castle around themselves with the bricks that are thrown on them"...........u know its all shit, coz peole have choices, they are not as helpless as they'll have others and themselves believe.u always have a choice. and since people themselves call the shots in their lives, i just cant say that they are 'good' people......they r just pitiable.
U see, i take all the blame for everything that has happened to me........coz i have let them happen. it's coz i have given people the power to hurt me, the ability to malign me, have let the enter my life and rob me of security and confidence. it's their problem that they are the way they are....but it's my problem that i allowed thses filthy, stinking fools to foul up my life.
I recently came across a quote that said: friends are not the people u actually chose to be in ur life, they are just the ones who got there 1st (its not widin quotes coz i have got the meaning, but not the words)....i absolutely agree coz they are some peole who were just that.
Because i was what i was, i forgot that peole have to deserve u and all the precious things u can give them, and not the other way around. u can't simply demand a relationship, u gotta earn it.i forgot that,& i still do, at times. i wish i can really agree when people say that," don't u worry, it's their loss.they r missing out on u". but i don't really care for their loss....m worried about mine...m worried about the loss of control over my life, the loss of judgement, the loss of distance, the loss of 'special'ity.
u can't really know other people, u can't be really sure of what they want from u, u can't always trust them to handle u gently (coz we all r fragile, every one of us...we just pretend to be strong enough).....but some people are worth it. and some are not. i guess our job becomes to seive out the worthless from the worthy. m still figuring out how to foolproof-ly do it. but i guess it's to really important to be on alert. a relatonship isn't built in a day, not even a year.....its really important to know what m doing, so that i don't do things m gonna regret.
Keep me eyes, ears open and my sceptic mind working....what they do to other people won't be done to u.....this is no guarantee just because u think so..........people work in mysterious ways!!
And most importanly m gonna wait and watch.....before i pledge my allegiance, heart and soul to someone, in other words, m gonna take my own sweet time..........
We r victims our own expectations.victims of our lack of belief in ourselves.......& u can't stay a victim too long, atleast i can't. =) =)

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